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Stop sacrificing your well-being and overcome your need to please.
Considering the feelings of others and treating them with kindness is something we should all strive to do. But sacrificing our well-being to make others happy is not. When you compromise who you are and what you need, gratifying others has crossed the line from kindness and generosity to self-surrender — not being your authentic self because you fear others will disapprove of you , criticize or reject you.
How many signs do you recognize in yourself?
1. You want everyone to like you.
2. You apologize very often.
3. You need validation.
4. You let people take advantage of you.
5. You feel guilty or mean when you set boundaries.
6. You are afraid of conflict.
7. You’ve always been a “good girl” (or guy); a follower of the rules.
8. You think self-care is optional.
9. You feel tense, anxious or nervous.
10. You expect to be perfect and hold yourself to high standards.
11. You put yourself last and don’t know how to ask for what you need.
12.You are sensitive to criticism.
13.You think that your feelings, needs, opinions and ideas are not as important as those of others.
14. You are a “repairer”; you hate to see someone hurt, scared, sad or uncomfortable.
15.You resent being asked to do more and want people to consider your feelings and needs.
To overcome always wanting to please others, you need to rebalance your thinking and consider what you need and what others need. These tips can help you restore balance.
1. Self-care is not selfish.
Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. It’s not something you do if you have the time or deserve it. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs keeps you healthy — without it you will be sick, exhausted, stressed and irritable.
Practical tip:
- Put self-care activities (exercise, socializing, hobbies, rest, etc.) on your schedule to ensure self-care is a priority.
- Survey yourself at least once a day and ask yourself, “How am I feeling? What do I need?” Doing this can help you remember that everyone has needs and that self-care is a healthy way for you to meet your needs.
2. Everyone’s opinion doesn’t matter.
One of the big mistakes made by people who like to please is to act as if everyone’s opinion matters; we try to make everyone happy all the time without differentiating between the opinion that matters most and the one that we can reject.
Generally, the closer the relationship you have with someone, the more you value their opinion and want to please them. All healthy relationships involve compromise, and it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy.
However, you don’t have to treat everyone the same; You don’t always have to go out of your way to please your acquaintances the same way you would your partner or close friends . Another important distinction between healthy and people-pleasing relationships is that compromise and acts of service are mutual (you shouldn’t be the one giving and making concessions), and you shouldn’t have to violate your values. and principles to make others happy.
Practical tip:
- When you compromise or do something to please others, ask yourself the following questions: Why am I compromising? Is it for love? Habit ? Fear of conflict, disappointing people or being hated? How important is my relationship with this person to me? Do we both compromise or am I the only one? These questions should help you determine if you are working too hard to please people.
3. Healthy conflict can improve relationships.
Many of us have experienced painful and uncontrollable conflicts with loved ones. We fear that disagreeing or arguing will destroy our relationships, that others will get so mad at us that they will leave us. It is understandable and common to want to avoid conflict. But this is neither useful nor possible.
When we avoid conflict, we suppress our feelings, desires, and needs. And that causes us to disconnect from ourselves and others (we can’t be emotionally intimate when we don’t express our feelings). So the more we try to avoid conflict, the more we lose touch with ourselves (our interests, hobbies, friends, goals, etc.), which is why people-pleasers and codependents often feel like they don’t know what they want or like. And when we suppress our feelings, we often become resentful, nervous, and our body shows physical signs of stress (body aches, insomnia, etc.).
But healthy conflict, in which both parties can respectfully express their thoughts and feelings, can lead to better understanding and resolution of differences that will ultimately strengthen the relationship. It’s quite different from the unhealthy conflicts that many of us have experienced. Conflicts don’t have to involve name-calling, yelling, or threats. Our goal is to express ourselves with respect and to be open to what others have to say.
4. Your feelings, opinions and ideas matter.
When you don’t have a clear idea of who you are and what matters to you, it’s easy to push aside your feelings, opinions, and ideas and let others take precedence. When you do this, you are essentially saying, “ Other people are more important than me. ” This belief is often based on negative and inaccurate messages we received as children, then internalized and repeated to ourselves. Since these beliefs are strong, it takes consistent work to replace them with more accurate beliefs about ourselves.
Practical advice :
- Try repeating a mantra, such as “My feelings and opinions matter,” regularly to reinforce positive beliefs about yourself.
- When you notice a self-critical thought, be curious, don’t just accept it as fact. You might start asking yourself questions like, “Where did this belief come from? How do I know it’s true? »
- Treat yourself as a person of value. If you don’t know how to do this, think about how you treat the people you care about, and then do the same for yourself.
This article is here to help you identify the symptoms of someone who is desperate to please and please people, recognize how this can be affecting your well-being, and begin to change. Our therapists are at your disposal if you feel the need for support.
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