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this is fictional.
i keep having dreams about past loves. or not even loves, some were just ‘bad decisions.’ each dream has felt strikingly real. each time i wake relieved i haven’t regressed to seeing an old flame.
there was joe, who i was with for a short period of time. we were never a couple and i knew we never would be, but i felt like we had a friendship and it was quite nice. i might see him three times a week or we’d let three weeks go by without seeing each other and nothing would change. he couldn’t let me sleep over because he was far too claustrophobic. he scolded me for having dirty dishes in my sink at my apartment. he could not spell any single word. but he was a nice friend. he cared about my activities and interests and we told each other funny stories and we got high and he would eat me out. that’s a nice friendship. it ended when i moved away and we said a tearful goodbye.
in my dream, joe and i had rekindled our affair and i was so confused Why. i didn’t like him that much and i found him to be silly, albeit in a charming way. in the dream we were sitting on the subway and i looked at him and thought, maybe i can just pretend. we would just continue to be one step removed forever. as if escorted by clouds, i glided off the train and watched the doors close and the car roll away with him still inside. he never turned his shaved head around to look back. this never would have worked. so why am i dreaming about him?
the next night i dreamed about joey. not to be confused with joe, joe-y was another fling who i only went to bed with because he had an exciting way of telling stories and a cute dog. but i was never really attracted to joey. each time i kissed him and ran my fingers through his thinning hair i’d think, this is wrong. i just like his personality, but i don’t want him to touch me like that. we’re meant to be friends who watch the simpsons and giggle. i shouldn’t be in his bed.
in my dream we were listening to mac miller like we used to and sitting on his couch. how did i get here? why am i here? i wondered. he was always so loud. i picked up his dog’s bone and threw it so hard it broke the wall open. i stepped through the jagged hole and emerged onto a sandy beach with an overcast sky and i fell into the water. i was drowning. then i woke up. it never would’ve worked. so why am i dreaming about him?
the next night i dreamed about jared. a lot of j names, i’m aware. jared was in love with me in high school. he is a tall, lanky basketball player with the coordination of a baby deer. he’s 6’5″, but his center of gravity is so poor i could knock him over by pressing my pinky into his sternum. he was sweet. he would call and say he missed me every time he drank too much. but we were just friends. i could never think of him as anything more than that.
in my dream he was watching over me, which would’ve been easy for him to do as he is so tall. he grew even larger and longer. he folded himself nearly in half to be able to put his face next to mine. when i looked closely into his blue doe eyes, i knew everything was wrong. despite his best efforts to shield me, i needed to get away. i ran until i woke up. so why am i dreaming about him?
the next night i dreamed about steve. he would’ve married me, i think. he took me on nice dates and texted too often. if i didn’t respond he’d text again. and again. he wanted to see me all the time. but i never really wanted to see him. i never knew what to talk to him about. he has the personality of a glass of water. when holding a conversation begins to feel like pulling teeth, i simply must remove myself. this dream felt the most unnatural. it was like spending time with a family member you have nothing in common with except that you are loosely blood related. you’re obligated to talk to them, but you have no desire to. how’s the weather in st. paul, minnesota? not that i’ll ever go.
in my dream i was holding him and i couldn’t put him down. if i had, the floor would have shattered and we would’ve plummeted to our deaths. he was very heavy and the weight was crushing me. my arms gave out, we fell through and i woke up. this would’ve never worked. so why am i dreaming about him?
i had all these dreams, but in waking life my heart is with someone else. i woke up each morning searching for his name in my mouth and the shape of his face in my stored memories. i felt relief each time i realized i’m not with any of these dream boys, i’m with him.
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