How To Deal With People Taking Your Words Out Of Context: A Practical Guide | by Bonnie Joy Sludikoff | Jun, 2022

Welcome to the double-edged sword of telling personal stories

Have you ever had someone take your words out of context? Have you ever watched someone completely miss the point of your essay and try to justify Why they know your experience better than you?

It’s frustrating, right?

But is this just a fact of life as a writer, or is there something we can do about it?

Today, I want to help you set yourself up for success in getting your actual message across with best practices for writers AND readers to avoid unnecessary, comment-related conflict.

I write (almost exclusively) in first-person. Sometimes I’m writing about my thoughts, feelings, or opinions. I would even say I do this most of the time; I’m an activist, and like many, I often draw on my own experiences.

But sometimes I’m writing within the framework of simply asking questions for other people to look at that don’t necessarily reflect my own personal-essay type experience.

Just because my name is in front of something doesn’t mean you’re reading my diary; I’m just a writer, doing my job. And my job varies from page to page.

I tend to write a bit casually — almost like I’m talking directly to you, reader. You look great today, by the way.

Why do I do this? It’s not because I’m self-centered — it’s because I’m community-centered. Within the mission of my own work is the constant goal of building community, even if that just means the ability to commune with our best selves.

Stylistically, writing this way is less formal and more conversational. It’s a choice that I find to be effective and it has served me well.

But there’s a price to being casual — it makes it easier for people to feel they have a right to engage with you casually.

On the other side of the spectrum, if you were reading a non-fiction reference book, the author would not use the word “I” to include themselves, even as an outsider.

Let’s look at two different passages:

There have already been over 200 mass shootings in the US this year, 27 of which occurred on school campuses. Last week, a gunman in Texas killed 19 children and two teachers at an elementary school. No motive has been reported.

This is just data. No offense to the data; sometimes it’s all we need.

Funny enough, as long as we do not have a reason to believe the content is incorrect, reading data is simple and only requires a certain part of ourselves. It’s hard to judge data — we can say it’s true or false, but it takes a lot of gall to argue outside of that. Data doesn’t have much intent or context — it’s just information.

Now let’s reframe that first passage.

Last week, 19 children went to school and did not come home. Are we paying enough attention to school shootings? Can we do more?

I remember how the Columbine shooting shook the world. (I was 16 and a junior in high school at the time.) People were scared and horrified, but it never occurred to most that this would happen regularly.

In the first five months of 2022, there have been 27 school shootings in the US. How many will it take before we see change?

So, what did you learn about me from the passages above?

From the first passage, we can all agree I did not share anything about myself, right? Correct! Now, let’s take a little multiple-choice quiz! What did you learn about me, the author, from the second passage?

• A. Nothing- it was just data.
• B. We learned the same data as passage one. We also learned that you were 16 at the time of Columbine.
• C. We learned that you have a lot of feelings about shootings. We learned that you were shaken and feel a lot of fear and dread and we can see that you’re hoping for policy change!

If you said C, I have news for you. You’re wrong, and frankly, you’re out of line, buddy!

Okay okay — No fight necessary! I purposely used a topic I could separate myself from and not be too touchy about. Truthfully, I do have feelings about shootings and whether we are doing enough — of course. But no actual shade on you if you chose C.

In fact, I’m hoping some of you did! (But if you chose B — good job. Were you on the fence or was that your immediate answer?)

Let’s break this down because this involves a vital skill set for both readers and writers.

I understand why you may have chosen C and that’s why I’m writing this. But if you are actually looking at what is being said, you simply cannot prove C; it’s a judgment.

Even if it feels like an educated judgment, it’s still a judgment.

C is not the answer to the question. Based on the info provided, the choice of C is merely an assumption.

And is it our job to cast judgment on writers when we read their work? The truth is, there is nothing inherently wrong with being a judgmental reader.

The problem (or the social breach of contract) happens when you share judgment, not when you feel it.

Let me say that in a different way. This is not about your thoughts being policed or even influenced — it’s simply about best practices for respect and a way to understand how humans engage with one another.

In the last decade, I produced three deeply-personal one-woman shows about trauma. I look forward to getting back to doing this work on stage post-pandemic.

And as I said, these shows were personal.

This one is a bit of a trick question, but the short answer is — it’s not really fair to make any judgment at all.

I’ll take a specific experience I had with my first solo show. I received a lot of support and praise from both friends and strangers who saw it. That’s a pretty natural reaction to seeing someone do something so vulnerable.

I received a lot of supportive cries of “me, too.” I was just visiting my Kickstarter page for my first solo show and it’s funny because I referenced that phrase there— it’s one I used years before the #metoo movement and has always been a basis for what I am building.

But one friend saw my show and instead of offering what I would categorize as support, she made what I found to be an unwelcome judgment. She made a comment on her thoughts on whether or not I had dealt with certain events.

Frankly, I was a bit hurt, but what I thought was particularly interesting is something that fits right into this conversation.

Here’s the lesson: What judgments are fair to make? The short answer is “none” — and the more intricate answer is that we have to look at all of the things going on when a writer shares something.

1. Personal information shared by a writer may be presented as conversational, but it is not a casual *conversation.
2. Art (including writing) is an interpretation of life, trapped in time

Perhaps you’re reading an essay I *just* published so you feel you are responding to something that is current! That said, it’s still an assumption. In the case of my show, I spent two years workshopping it, so even weighing in on a feeling or moment that you saw on opening night is inaccurate.

When you consume art as an audience member or a reader, it’s meant to teach you (or share something with you), not for you to teach the author. And if you are going in hell-bent on anything other than that, it should be done with poise and respect.

While having your words taken out of context may come with the territory, that doesn’t mean it should be disregarded or that we should just shrug it off!

And why not? Because we’re people — we deserve to be treated with respect and we’re allowed to set boundaries.

• Assume best intentions: Someone leaving a comment might not be eloquent in their response- I have had a few comments that appeared contrary, but they were just worded haphazardly. When in doubt, clarify the meaning intended by the commenter before you get heated.
• Take comments with a grain of salt.
• Take a moment to set the tone before receiving comments: I just discovered the work of Rebecca Stevens A. on Medium. She is a fabulous source of thought-provoking essays on racism, and I love how, at the end of her pieces, she says “Thanks for reading my perspective.” A nice signoff can help remind readers that the author is a human with thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
• Share your expectations: This won’t always work, but I’ve found it to be helpful. It’s a little bit of a nanny-move, but sometimes grown-ups need that, too. Worried about things getting rowdy? Try a gentle reminder. “I realize this is a challenging topic for many! Please keep the constructive comments specific and remember to respect your fellow writers.”
• Engage directly: A wonderful gift we have here on Medium is the community. Want to clear something up? Respond to your commenter, but afford them the same respect you’d want and do your best to model your expectations.
• Know when not to engage: Is your commenter projecting their feelings in a way that shows that their POV is not even about you or your essay? RUN! Do I take this advice? Ha…nope. Not always. Hardly ever. But the lesson is to keep your perspective and know when to walk away. There’s a difference between lively discourse and disrespect.
• Write another piece: I have a few essays I’m really proud of that came out of the fact that someone went all judgmental on me and created something that wasn’t there. It helped me clarify the totally *different* narrative they created. What a gift!

1. Never assume anything.
2. Understand the difference between a fact, an opinion, and a judgment.
3. Comment on what the essay says, not what the essay “seems” to say.
4. Know how to separate your feelings from facts.
5. When in doubt, ask a clarifying question instead of leaving a comment. For instance, you just read a piece and you’re on the verge of anger. Here are two options.

• A. Well that’s dumb! Obviously, pink starburst is the best flavor!
• B. Wait…Are you saying that pink starburst is better than the other flavors?

(See how A doesn’t accomplish anything and it might even be an assumption? B, on the other hand, offers the author the chance to tell you that what they were saying is that pink is their favorite flavor, but of course, you’re entitled to have a different favorite flavor.)

It’s frustrating to have your words taken out of context, but as long as we live in a free country, it’s also inevitable. So remember to take a breath, keep your perspective, and know when something is worth your valuable time!

Did you enjoy this essay? Here’s another you might enjoy! Thanks for reading.