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How To Respond When Your Friend Says “I’m Fat”
With the recent trend towards body positivity in social media and branding this phrase may seem a little archaic, yet I still constantly hear people utter these words. Whether it is a self-depricating instagram meme or someone actually confiding in you that this is how they feel about themselves, most of us have a friend that has told us that they are unhappy with their weight. As a mother of young daughters and simply as a human my priority is to encourage body positivity in any conversation.
We shouldn’t be surprised people tend to fixate on their own weight. We are a culture obsessed with size. But this preoccupation with weight doesn’t help anyone. Negative body issues are associated with a wide range of health conditions. (https://www.healthline.com/health/negative-body-image#related-issues)
While in the past I have been tempted to shut down comments like this by saying “no you’re not” or “don’t say that about yourself” I am also concerned that this could be minimizing their feelings.
If your like most people you have probably replied to someone saying “I’m fat” with one or maybe all of the following:
- The denial approach: No Your Not!
- The encouraging approach: Don’t worry, you’re doing so well on your new diet/meal plan. You’ll loose that weight.
- The helpful approach: Why don’t we start walking/exercising together?
- Finally, ignoring this uncomfortable statement by changing the subject.
What is the appropriate response? The one that will give your friend the respect of acknowledging their struggle while still recognizing that body image is a layered conversation.
I was surprised to see that there is not a lot of research on how to respond to this statement. There are far more articles on how to politely tell someone they are overweight. Fortunately over the past few years there has been a lo of research on body positivity.
I have summed up 3 tips for some more appropriate ways to respond that will give you and your friend the respect you both deserve.
- Instead of commenting on their weight use this as an opportunity to say something positive about your friend. Perhaps “I’m not friends with you because of how much you weigh, you’re one of the funniest people I know” or “Your weight is the least interesting part of you”. One article stated that “Focusing on inner qualities can help shift attention away from someone’s appearance and let them know they are valued as a person.” (https://www.colorado.edu/health/2022/02/01/how-help-friend-body-image). If you are truly friends with this person it should be easy to rattle off a list of positive attributes they have that don’t have anything to do with their size.
- Use this as a conversation starter to body image issues in society. In the website Center for Change the statement rings true “Women and young girls are now living in a society where their bodies define who they are”. Isn’t that a sad thought. Perhaps use this as an opportunity to delve into that topic more. You could say something like “Isn’t it sad that we think so much about our weight when there is so much more to us then that”. (https://centerforchange.com/battling-bodies-understanding-overcoming-negative-body-images/)
- Validate their feelings. It may seem like simply moving away from the subject is the kindest route but not acknowledging your friends feelings may do more damage than good. Negative body image can be related to depression, anxiety and even suicide. Changing the subject is not giving your friend the respect of hearing their struggle. What if instead you said “I’m sorry your feel that way”. Once you have acknowledged how they feel you could steer the conversation to a more body positive tone. “I try to set an example for my children by not talking about my weight or others.” (https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/07/160912/beautiful-body-positivity-self-acceptance-essay)
Recently the actor Jonah Hill was praised for his reaction to comments on his body shape “I know you mean well but I kindly ask that you do not comment on my body (heart emoji) good or bad I want to politely let you know it’s not helpful and doesn’t feel good. Much respect,” he wrote.
He’s right. By taking the initiative to purposefully stop commenting on anyones weight whether it be friends, celebrities or ourselves, we set the tone for our children and the future.
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