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As an engineer, most books I read were about Math, Physics, Electricity, and Electronics. Therefore, I dedicate time to developing these skills, and it is awesome! However, technical knowledge is not enough to build a great professional. When I started looking for internships, I learned that social intelligence is crucial to obtaining connections and opportunities. It is like a combo of hard skills + soft skills, this combo is what we need to be successful. In my professinal career I made a internship, and after I got my first job on the same company. Almost two years in this company, I decided to move on, and I moved to another company. In this new moment of my professional career, I felt motivation to be a leader and guide a team to be successful. For most of my life, I was ok with being a developer (operational team), but being a great leader brings more impact. Of course, nobody is born a leader. So, I decided to look for knowledge, and look for ways to improve my relationship with people. This book is one of the steps I am taking to be a great leader.
Knowing how to avoid conflicts and deal in the best manner with people is crucial to being a great leader. I need to be aware of each person on my team and how to make them shine, so a good relationship is crucial. Like you, I have my own life experiences, and I know something about dealing with people, however, we might not be able to make the best decisions, even if we have some knowledge about it. As an engineer, I intend to be a great leader, so I decided to look for an interesting book to help me understand more the other’s feelings, and how to act so that I can accomplish my goal and be on good terms with the others. The book I have chosen was how to make friends and influence others from Dale Carnegie. It is important to make clear, that this is not the key to success or some miracle book. We need to build up our soft skills every day, read more books, keep looking for information, and practice!
Dale Carnegie (1888–1955) taught people in New York City how to express themselves in a better way to be more effective in social relations. Dale’s goal was to help people with communication, so they would be able to be clear about their ideas, consequently achieve great opportunities in their career, and build solid relations with people in general. However, Dale could understand that the students, beyond the need to learn how to express themselves, also need to know how to deal with people in difficult situations and have a good relationship with people. Answer the following question “how do understand people?”. This situation includes their commercial contacts (clients, bosses, workmates) and the daily relations with their friends, husband, wife, and parents.
As an engineer, I could see that most successful people were not the professionals with more ability to solve problems or that know more tools, but that could be able to be effective in a team and be a great leader. Inspiration and collaboration are different skills compared to Math or Physics but are essential to make the company grow and achieve great results. Dale brings an interesting point: “These investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering — to personality and the ability to lead people.”.
This book has a lot of examples that bring real-life situations. Using the knowledge presented will hep us acting the best manner with people. Some tips such as “keep smiling” and “call people by their names” are some examples that were significant for me. The book is divided into 4 parts, and in the final of each chapter Dale shares principles with us. My goal is to share the principles of each chapter in each part and tell what I have learned, and maybe how I used it in my own life. Before starting, remember that it is ok to make mistakes, but we always must be able to learn and improve. I spend all of my life studying, and the most of my studies were dedicated to Math, Physics, and Engineering, however, I needed to be better in soft skills, so I decided to dedicate my time to learning and improving, we can say that this book is part of my journey to be a great professional. I hope these words can also help you to improve. Let’s get started!
Chapter 1: If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive — Principle: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Each person has its own life, and sometimes we condemn without knowing what is happening to that person. One day I was late for the class, because the bus was broken, and I had to walk a lot to reach my school. When I arrive, one of my classmates says: “Why Diogenes can be late and not me?” So the professor tells me to leave the class. That attitude make me feel angry about him, but I forgave my classmate. Instead of criticism, try to figure out why that person make this? This will lead you to an empathetic way that will be better for your and the other’s lives.
Chapter 2: The big secret of dealing with people — Principle: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
It is wonderful when we can achieve our goals and improve ourselves, but excluding someone in front of you and putting yourself on the top all the time in a conversation is not good. Probably people will not like you, and you will fail as a leader. Instead of criticism, appreciating others is always an excellent option, a honest appreciation makes people more interested in you, they will be more comfortable and will not hesitate to hear you. Make a person feel valuable and highlight the strong points will help you to be a great leader.
Chapter 3: He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way — Principle: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
This principle tells about how to make people feel motivated about something. Instead of screaming or using angry words, we can be more effective if we make people feel that they must do that thing. Instead of a person making something because we told, they must understand what you are talking about, and with the reason we shared, they will feel by their own that makes that thing is important. Our goal is to make people understand our ideas, make them feel as if the idea is also theirs, and so they will be amazing in helping us.
Chapter 1: Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere — Principle: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Each person is a universe, no one is more or less than the others. Spending more minutes explaining something or helping someone is not a waste of time. When we can feel interested in another person, we are making a huge impact in the life of that person and they will see us differently, and you will be a positive mark in their lives.
Chapter 2: A simple way to make a good first impression — Principle: Smile.
The manner we approach people is fundamental to how they perceive us. Acting cold and selfish will make a bad impression and people will be far from us. Smiling is a wonderful gift when someone is talking with us, in business or our private life, smile is medicine without cost that cures loneliness and sadness. Sometimes is hard to smile, but we do not have much time on earth, let’s be strong and smile!
Chapter 3: If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble—Principle: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
This principle is what I most use. Before reading the book, I rarely call people by their names. Using this principle I could see that people feel more interested, and I also was more interested in people. Something simple and great to be used in our lives, our name, our uniqueness.
Chapter 4: An easy way to become a good conversationalist—Principle: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
As I said before, each person is a universe, so when you are talking with someone, that person is not interested in anything more than themselves. Therefore, instead of talking about you and trying to be the star of the conversation, let people talk. We are so busy that it is rare to have an opportunity to talk about ourselves, respect this moment. One particular thing that is annoying me, is when the person interrupts the conversation and is not satisfied, they bring the topic to them. “Do you think that is hard? My life is so much more challenging, I am incredible to be successful, hahaha” Do not make it, please!
Chapter 5: How to interest people—Principle: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
When you are a leader, you have goals and, of course, you need that your team collaborates to achieve success. However, how do make people be in the same line with the company? Aligning interests. Instead of focusing on your image and promotions, you need to have in mind that your collaborators must be also benefited. More experience, a chance to show their work, participation in an event. No one can build a castle alone.
Chapter 6: How to make people like you instantly. — Principle: Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.
Nowadays what is more important to us is feeling important. Let people shine, give them an opportunity to show their work, their value. When we feel decisive we can do anything!
Chapter 1: You can’t win an argument —Principle: The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it.
The book tells a story about a couple, and they made a pact saying that when one yells, the other should listen, no matter how angry they are with each other. The couple says that when two people yell, there is just noise and they will not be able to communicate with each other.
Chapter 2: A sure way of making enemies — and how to avoid it. — Principle: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
When someone is wrong, the most important thing is help them to figure it out. When you say that someone is wrong, automatically starts an infinite discussion, and each one defends your own opinion, and probably will not finish on good terms. You must hear the other person, and guide them in the direction of the truth, if they are able to see with their own eyes that they are wrong, you will be able to teach them and show them how to make it in the best way.
Chapter 3: If you’re wrong, admit it. — Principle: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
It is wonderful to be correct, however, it is common making mistakes. The manner you deal with your mistakes is crucial to creating an impressive image of yourself. Recognizing your mistakes is the first step to improving and people will be more comfortable in trust on you. Be honest! I worked with someone that said “The important is not be honest, but to seem honest”, don’t be this person if you wish to be a great leader.
Chapter 4: A drop of honey. — Principle: Begin in a friendly way.
Do you remember the smile from chapter 2 Part 2? Be friendly, the life is so hard that a smile and a friendly approach will make anyone feel good and people will be more comfortable working with you.
Chapter 5: The secret of Socrates. — Principle: Get the other person to say ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
That is not the first time that we see that it is important to guide people and not obligate anyone to agree with us. This ‘yes’ technique is a wonderful approach, in which you make questions and each yes will guide the person to get conclusions that they would deny.
Chapter 6: The safety valve in handling complaints. — Principle: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
This chapter has a fantastic example, a woman called Henrietta was good at her work and also proud of it. However, she feels that her colleagues do not like her triumphs. She would like to get recognized by these people. Her actions were talking less about herself and started to motivate people to talk about themselves. Now she has a better relationship with her team and she speaks about herself only when people ask.
Chapter 7: How to get cooperation. — Principle: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Excite people to make them desire to do it! I also call this “knowledge alignment”, it is important to each one be in the same line, and being able to make people desire to do the things is a huge step.
Chapter 8: A formula that will work wonders for you. — Principle: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
“In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other’s eyes”
Eminem — Beautiful
Being a great leader and having empathy is like a car and a wheel, you are not able to be a leader if you don’t care about the people around you.
Chapter 9: What everybody wants. — Principle: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
In our lives, we are the principal actors, however, we build together. Each person is a universe, recognizing the importance of the others is a huge step to being a leader.
Chapter 10: An appeal that everybody likes. — Principle: Appeal to the nobler motives.
Always try to figure out what is happening when someone is angry or sad about you. However, do not use your intuition, make questions, understand what is happening and be rational in your actions.
Chapter 11: The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it? — Principle: Dramatise your ideas.
This principle is really interesting because its focuses on how to communicate with others. The way you move your hands, your voice, your clothes, your perception, and the personal branding you have built will make your words strong.
Chapter 12: When nothing else works, try this. — Principle: Throw down a challenge.
You are in a team and feel that one of your teammates is not engaged… Usually, people prefer to talk bad things about other people or maybe fire that person. However, if this person was a great professional? Sometimes people get used to working and needing the challenge to recharge their energy and keep making excellent work. Avoid bad mouth the others, try to help them, a shared smile is always more beautiful!
Chapter 1: If you must find fault, this is the way to begin. — Principle: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
People have feelings, do not forget! Avoid bad vibes, begin with praise, each person is a universe, contemplate others universes and you will be in good lines.
Chapter 2: How to criticize — and not be hated for it. — Principle: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Excite people to make what you desire. In the book, Carnegie tells an example of a leader in the army. He says that a good leader must be an example, so he got a haircut to stimulate the members of the squad that did not want to have a short haircut. The result was impressive and he got the candidates to do what army regulations say about a haircut.
Chapter 3: Talk about your own mistakes first — Principle: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
All of us made mistakes, admitting them is a strong skill. At the moment you can admit that you are not perfect, you can be near other people. Showing that you make mistakes, makes the situation more suitable to call attention to mistakes from another person.
Chapter 4: No one likes to take orders — Principle: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
This principle is in the same line of “excite people to desire making that task”.
Chapter 5: Let the other person save face — Principle: Let the other person save face.
Do not make the others feel diminished. The most important topic is how we see ourselves, when someone makes us feel bad and weak, this person is prejudicing us in our human condition. Never diminish the other person.
Chapter 6: How to spur people on to success. — Principle: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
Motivation is like gas, you need to refuel every day. That is not enough to say good things only once a year, or worst, never say good things. People need to be constantly stimulated in the day a day, so do not avoid complimenting the work of others. We receive what we give.
Chapter 7 — Give a dog a good name — Principle: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Each person is a universe. John is not my best developer, but I see that John has a huge potential. What if I decide to say “John, I would like that you make a new functionality on our site. You will be responsible for making updates to provide a better experience for our users”. John now has a role, an important position, John is not a simple developer, he is the person responsible to make people happier with our web services. This is simple, but it is a powerful tool to make people inspired.
Chapter 8 — Make the fault seem easy to correct — Principle: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Do not make a tornado in a cup of water. Be rational and look for answers, always aiming to make things seem simple, do not overreact or scream with people, calm the nerves, and being strong is crucial to bringing encouragement to the team.
Chapter 9 — Making people glad to do what you want — Principle: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Ok, we have wishes and goals, but we need people to make our dreams a reality. However, we can’t be the only ones good, people also must be beneficial by their work. When you change from “Make this update” to “This functionality is getting used more and more, learn and apply this will be beneficial to your career”, the reaction is pretty different.
Thank you! Never forget, each person is a universe!
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