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The Science Behind How We Select and Keep Romantic Partners
These are my notes from The Huberman Lab Podcast episode #48. I am a BIG fan of Dr. Huberman and his podcast.
What I found interesting about this episode is that many of the stereotypes (specially those around what men and women look for in relationships) are actually backed by social studies.
By the way, I don’t mean to offend anyone. These are only notes. And also, this information is backed by scientific studies.
Mating competition
The mate preferences of one sex sets the competition among the other sex. Meaning, if women prefer men with higher status, men are going to fight over that status. So, whatever qualities are desired, those increase in time.
Long-term relationships are rare in the mammalian world.
Universal preferences
Everyone wants:
- Kindness
- Intelligence
- Love
- Good health
- Dependability
- Emotional stability
What are the Sex Differences in Preferences for long-term relations?
Women
They prefer:
- Good earning capacity.
- Slight older age.
- Qualities associated with resource acquisition (ambitious, trajectory, social status).
Mate choice copying: if a guy passes the filter of another women, he is more likely to be approved by other women.
Women have more olfactory and auditory capabilities.
The costs of choosing badly are much heavier for women. Imagine a time when a woman had 10 children and was dependent on a man to provide resources while she raised the kids. And suddenly the man doesn’t show up. That could cost her life and her children’s.
Men
They prefer:
- Physical attractiveness. Certain cues (which are not arbitrary): clear skin, clear eyes, symmetrical features, low waist hip ratio, lips, hair.
- Men look for someone to procreate. This is Why they seek young women, if they are old themselves. This, combined with women preferences for status and older age, explains the age gap we usually see in some couples.
- Virginity — it was the most desire quality across cultures.
Deception: men exaggerate feelings for a woman and their coincidence of values.
Emotional stability: how does partner respond to stress? How do they react on a different and new environment? This is a key thing for healthy long term relationships.
Short term
- Physical appearance is more important in short term. Especially for women. Men are willing to drop their standard in the short term.
- Women want “bad boy” qualities… very self-confident, arrogant, risk taking. (for long term they look “good dad” qualities”). Women’s attraction to men is more context specific.
1. Sexual Infidelity
Why do we cheat? Sexes differ in the reasons:
- For men it’s a matter of sexual variety. Low risk-low cost pursue. 70% of men cheat because of this. Men who are happily married and unhappily married cheat at the same rate.
- For women, the main reason is that they are emotionally and sexually unhappy with the relationship. 70% of women who cheat say that they fell in love with their cheating partner, or that they are emotionally involved.
2. Emotional infidelity
Becoming emotionally involved with other person. It is much more common in women.
3. Financial infidelity
Keeping secret bank accounts, secret credit cards, etc…
There is a recent article that states that “Americans Say Financial Infidelity Is Just as Bad as Physical Cheating”.
Having a partner hide their financials is a huge problem. It can make you feel that they don’t trust you, an essential component for any healthy relationship.
Jealousy
Is an evolved emotion that serves adaptive functions.
It’s a defense to your long-term investment in the relationship. Its a mate retention function.
It’s active when there are threats to the relationship. It is the fear of losing something you have to someone else.
And it can activate when there are mate value discrepancies (one suddenly is more successful, suddenly emotionally unstable, more fat, etc.).
Dark triad: three personality characteristics to avoid
- Narcissism: excess of self-perceived value.
- Machiavellianism: view people as pawns to pursue a strategy.
- Psychopathy: lack of empathy.
There is another episode about The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment, which I think is a perfect complement of this one. It discusses some key features to build better relationships, to understand both yourself and your partner and also puts a lot of emphasis on how the nervous system works around relationships.
I hope you found this useful, but I still highly recommend watching the entire episode.
I’ll keep posting these notes for every episode. You can check out the ones that are already published as well.
You can follow me here and on Twitter. This is zero-cost and ad-free content. comment and stay tuned for more!
“Thank you for your interest in Science”
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