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My family and I were having a holiday dinner when one of my aunts asked me to go into the kitchen and make her a plate of food. She let me know what she wanted on her plate and the drink she would like for me to bring her as well. I listened attentively and when she was finished with her request, I said to her…
“I’m not going to do any of those things.”
There is a much longer back story to how my aunt and I got to that place, but I wanted to illustrate that although saying no can be hard, it can also be very necessary.
The word “no” can be the simplest and most effective boundary-setter we have. However, for those of us who are survivors of trauma and abuse, or struggle with codependency, saying no often feels impossible. There may even be feelings of guilt associated with telling someone no.
People who say no are not mean and heartless. They are healthy individuals with clear boundaries. They love themselves. Even the bible tells us to love others as ourselves. Loving yourself is the prerequisite for understanding how to properly love others. So, if we are treating ourselves poorly, we lack the capacity to properly love others regardless of our intentions.
I’ve struggled with setting boundaries since I was a kid. The time I spent with a good trauma therapist has done wonders for so many aspects of my life, including my self-care. Saying no is much easier for me than it used to be, but here is where I started to get some momentum on my boundary-setting journey.
I’m not sure if I can commit yet. Can I get back to you?
I personally started with this one and it helped to get the ball rolling. You haven’t said no yet; not officially. It helps make it a little easier to start practicing with this one. It gives you a little time to think about what you want your decision to be. Can you do it? Should you do it? The person may decide to try something else after you are not readily available and you’re off the hook without even saying no. Maybe it gives you time to get the courage to say you cannot do it. Either way, this is a great one for beginners.
I’m not going to be able to commit right now, but if something changes I’ll let you know.
Congratulations! For this one, you said no. You gave yourself an opportunity to still help if something changes or you change your mind, but you did say no. In this scenario, you don’t even have to get back to the person with a definite answer. Your answer is no, and should you reconsider, the answer is yes. You can feel confident that you have stood your ground, but comfortable that you were not insensitive about it.
No, I can’t do that, but I can…
This one is taking things another step further. You said no and your no is firm. You made it clear that you cannot do what they are asking. There is no wiggle room, and you will not be getting back to them with a possible yes later. However, you can offer something that may still assist them. You are able to help them without it being a total inconvenience or disruption to what you may have going on already. This is a great step because you are still helping, but you have gotten comfortable with putting yourself first.
I’m not able to commit to that.
It’s a tough place to get to, but this is a no. This is you saying, “I can’t do it. I can’t commit to it. I’m not going to do it. If you ask later, the answer will be the same.” This is you putting yourself, your needs, and your family first. You didn’t need to think it over, offer an alternative, or give an excuse. It is not mean, and it does not make you a selfish person. What is selfish is if someone demands that you compromise yourself so he or she can get what they need. There is nothing that says you have to deplete yourself in order to love and care for others.
I’m so sorry but I’m not able to do that/commit to that.
This may be the toughest to say. There are occasions when you really want to help. You know that you are not being taken for granted. You know they legitimately could use your help. You are not insensitive to their need. However, helping them would put you in a bind that makes you uncomfortable. You actually hate saying no to them, but for your own sake, you have to say it. It’s ok to say no and still feel compassion toward the person and the situation. You are letting them know that you would absolutely help if you could. You are letting them know that you still care, and you want to be there for them, but you are also letting them know that you cannot do it and the answer is still no. This person typically understands. You feel bad about not helping them because you know they deserve your help and would never take you for granted. It does not make your no less firm or your heart less soft.
It is important to know that saying yes to everyone doesn’t make you kind and selfless, just like saying no doesn’t make you mean and heartless. They are both necessary for self-care and maintaining mental and physical wellness. We have all heard the expression “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Get comfortable with putting yourself first. Saying no should feel just as comfortable as saying yes.
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