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I could go on for days about the lack of education and acceptance with mental illnesses. The best and only advice I can give to you and anyone else that knows someone with a mental illness: EDUCATE and ACCEPT it!! Being vocal and honest about what is needed and how to handle episodes is crucial in any sort of relationship.
I have learned so much through my recovering journey, most importantly being: before I was diagnosed, I was also the toxic one. I love-bombed. I was love-bombed. We were both toxic….as….fuck…
Being in a relationship with me is pretty good except for the part where I need to be reassured every 45 minutes that you do actually love me and this isn’t some weird extended practical joke.
- Mess with your head
- Can’t and won’t apologize sincerely
- Expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you
- Intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you
- Act like the victim when confronted with their abusive behavior
- Controls issues with always being right and having their way
- You find yourself complying because keeping the peace is easier
You need to understand that I’m damaged. I get triggered easily. I have struggled with things. There are nights when I’m curled up in a ball on the floor and I won’t talk to anyone. I’ll shut you out. I’m not going to be able to trust you for a while, because everyone has always left, cheated, or chosen someone else. I will need reassurance. I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I’ll need you to care when I text you saying I’m getting bad again. I’m a lot, I know this. So before you think I’m always happy, that I’ll always be positive, that I’ll always be smiling — know the reality before you get involved. Don’t enter my life if you can’t handle it. Lastly, don’t you dare touch my heart if you aren’t ready for that.
When it’s different, you can just tell. The little things start adding up, the small changes start becoming more obvious, the excuses start coming more frequently. And finally you realize…. You can’t force “it” to be something. You can’t force consistency, loyalty, or even honesty. You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize something special is in front of them. You can’t force them to stay and fight, or to change their ways, or to use their faith to conqueror their fears. It hurts falling for untapped potential… So, after realizing all of this, you just get tired. You’d rather play the game because it takes too much energy to change the standard. You’d rather settle for good enough because it takes too much time to build something great. And, you’d think that after all the hurt we’ve all been thru that we’d be better at being good to one another. But we aren’t…. Instead, we run when it’s too right. We get scared when they’re too sincere. We make excuses instead of making the effort. And that’s the cycle, so none of us ever get anywhere. What we ask for is simple, but we don’t really believe we deserve it… Because to us, “simple” means too good to be true. We’re all so used to the pain that if it doesn’t hurt, we can’t feel it. If it isn’t full of drama, we don’t believe they care. If there’s nothing to argue about, it’s not really love. And that’s Why I choose to move slow, because more than anything, I just want to get “it” right with somebody who’s just as tired of getting it wrong as I am. We don’t need it to be perfect to make it last. All we need is effort. 100% from you and 100% from me. @RobHillsr
You cry and you scream and you act pathetic. You skip out on the showers and lay in bed for days on end. You have pity parties. You get irritable and you push everyone away. You cry in bed, you cry iun the shower, you cry in your car. You let your heart ache. You let the pain throb and pylse through your entire body. You blame them, you blame yourself, you blame the world. You exhaust yourself with “what if i did this… would we be together?” You pretend you are getting better, only to have a relapse. You drink irresponsible in hopes that you’ll forget them for one night. However, this will only backfire and you’ll end up crying harder and trying to drunk dial them. You consider giving up on life. You gather the strength to get up and take a shower, only to break down once you start the water. You attempt to completely remove them from your life. You attempt to bring them back into your life. You can’t bear being around anyone or anything because everything around you reminds you of them. You watch romance movies and listen to love songs, then you listen to “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. You have your good days and your bad days. You distract yourself at times, and other times you sit semi comfortably with your misery. You wait for them to come back, no matter how unrealistic that it. You wait until one day you wake up and the sun shines a little different. The wind grazes you and there’s a slight spring in your step. One day you catch yourself laughing genuinely, and things seem okay. You go out with friends and family again. Except now you’re not distracting yourself anymore. You still have those Saturday nights when you sob while watching The Notebook while wondering if they’ll every come back. But the feeling doesn’t last. You wake up on Sunday and feel alright again. Happiness will grow again, it just takes strength and patience.
The absolute KEY ingredient of each relationship. If you cannot speak or discuss things, they the’re going to get bottled up and after some time, they will explode…. You need to fix problems now because regardless of how much you try later, you will not be able to solve the problems. — Neena Grupto
You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotion needs — it’s not someone else’s job to make you happy. But inside of a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.
Answer each statement with a Yes or No. Find more goodies at LoveisRespect.org
The person I am with….
- Is very supportive of things that I do
- Encourages me to try new things
- Like to listen when I have something on my mind
- Understands that I have my own life too (hint: the rest are red flags)
- Is not liked very well by my friends
- Says I’m too involved in different actions
- Texts me or calls me all of the time
- Thinks I spend too much time truing to look nice
- Gets extremely jealous or possessive
- Accuses me of flirting or cheating
- Constantly checks up on me or makes me check in
- Controls what I wear or how I look
- Tries to control what I do and who I see
- Tries to keep me from seeing or talking to my family and friends
- Has big mood swings, getting angry and yelling at me one minute but being sweet and apologetic the next
- Make me feel nervous or like I’m “walking on eggshells”
- Puts me down, calls me names or criticizes me
- Make me feel like I can’t do anything right or blames me for problems
- Makes me feel like no one else would want me
- Threatens to hurt me, my friends or family
- Threatens to hurt themselves because of me
- Threatens to destroy my things
- Grabs, pushes, shoves, chokes, punches, slaps, holds me down, throws things or hurts me in some way
- Breaks or throws things to intimidate me
- Yells, screams or humiliate me in front of other people
- Pressures or forces me into having sex or going farther than I want to
You work harder than your partner to fix the problems. You keep asking “is it me or them?” You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future. You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts. You are unhappy but you partner is just fine. Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained. Monika Hoyt
At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will NEVER get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not the hurt you! Never forget that! — Trent Shelton
From High Anxieties
- Ask, “What do you want me to understand about what you’re going through?”
- Ask, “How are you level’s today?” No one ever asks this and yet it helps them so much
- Keep in touch. They need to continue with friendships. You can email, call or sens a “care package”
- Be honest. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
- Ask, “Do you just need to vent? I’m all ears!”
- Tell them “I really admire how you are handling this. I know it’s difficult for you.”
- Give them a break like asking, “Can I get your kids for a play date? My kids are bored.”
- Offer your time. “I have Monday free if you need me to run some errands or take you somewhere.”
- Provide emotional support. What a person suffering needs most is compassion and understanding
- Recognize that what they could do yesterday may not be possible today. Don’t question that. Every day is different.
Being a mentally ill human, I have been in countless relationships with toxic pieces of shit. Dismissing my side effects, telling me to “just go outside and get some sun, that will make you better”, or not understanding that “my ex had anxiety, I completely understand”, oh no hunny, every crazy bitch is different in their own way when it comes to mental illness.
I can’t express enough how IMPORTANT communicating how you want your symptoms to be addressed is. Your partner is not an expert (and if they are, I am pretty sure they don’t want to mix work with pleasure) so educated them.
Can you possibly share some tips on how to handle mental illness in a relationship?
Until next time, love ya betch
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