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It’s time to resurrect your old, long-forgotten dreams. Dreams you know you’ll regret not reaching for once you’re on your deathbed.
My dream: to study in Paris. I had my eyes set on the city of love but during my university days, I never had enough money to study abroad.
After a lifetime of pondering (or what seems to be a lifetime but was only a matter of years), I recently submitted my student application to Campus France. (Apparently, you need to fill out an application before you can even begin your visa application. Totally whack but I digress.)
At the beginning of autumn, I hope to have a shiny student visa in hand but for now, it’s going to be a whole experience in and of itself in terms of wading through the administrative bog.
I’m so excited to begin this new chapter but the hardest part is leaning into the fear I have of the future. I don’t know about you but I tend to catastrophize Everything (with a capital E). It’s a sign of self-preservation but it also drains you of a lot of mental energy.
Even before submitting my student application, I was already shooting myself in the foot with gloom-doom questions:
What if my visa application is denied?
What if I can’t find a place to stay?
What if the school I picked ends up being a terrible choice?
What if I don’t make any friends in Paris?
What if I get lost using the metro?
Note that I hadn’t even started the student application yet. It sucks to always be in such a negative headspace but it’s the one I’ve grown to wear like a comfort blanket. This year I’m working on unlearning all these bad habits I’ve had where I put myself down and only look at the Worst Possible Outcome.
Now I’m not saying you should wake up each morning with a wide grin and think positively, but I do know that negativity begets negativity, and it’s not the kind of life anyone should be living. If things can go sour, that means there’s also the possibility of things going well.
What if I end up having an enriching, intellectually-stimulating experience in Paris. I could meet amazing new people and create beautiful new friendships.
Things can also go right.
You don’t always need to think of the worst-case scenario.
Just a couple of months ago I thought, “I’m not ready yet.”
I need to get everything buttoned up before I can start the application process. I need time to mentally prepare. I need to save more money. Saving money is a good thing by the way. I’m not saying you shouldn’t prepare and get your finances straightened out. However, there is a difference between preparing and the other p-word.
Procrastinating.
This was one of those times when I knew that I was just too afraid to dream of more. After all, Why do I need to dream for more? I have a nice job and loved ones I can lean on.
In fact, how dare I ask for more? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Look at the state of the world. Look at the people struggling. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, there will always be some obstacles in your way. There will always be something that you can use as an excuse to not dream and chase after what you want.
I know the struggle — when you hear the voice inside of you saying “I’m afraid,” or “It’s not too bad,” it’s so so tempting to nod and agree and go back to being complacent. To let yourself drift along in the ocean. I’ve been doing that for the last few years, just letting the days on the calendar drift by and living life as though I’m immortal. I’m not. You’re not.
A little reminder: Your time on earth is finite.
And then, the voice of fear strikes you in the face once again.
This time, I decide to acknowledge, fully and wholly, that I am afraid. I’m afraid of getting a visa rejection. If I do get the visa, I’m afraid of not finding a path after my trip. I’m afraid I’ll have to go back to my regular desk job that is as grey as the rainy days in spring. Even thinking of the possibility of failure makes me wince, but the alternative — dying with the regret that you didn’t try. That’s infinitely more painful.
I’m going to focus on not what I’m afraid of, but on the actions I can take while being afraid. Fear is an emotion. It’s there, but it cannot stop me from applying. From doing whatever I can to set foot in Paris and have the experience I’ve always dreamed of from a young age. From becoming bilingual in the most beautiful language that exists in this world (I am 100% biased and I accept that. You’ll never be able to convince me that French is not *THE* most exquisite language that’s graced our ears).
So, are you thinking of your journey? Are you also afraid? If you’re also struggling to take a step forward, I’d like you to read this short but powerful piece by Ijeoma Umebinyuo:
“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.”
― Ijeoma Umebinyuo
It’s okay to start with fear. You don’t have to have everything planned out from A to Z.
Just start.
From California with love,
Celeste
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