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After what feels forever I am finally writing with my first ever laptop… that my newly ex, of eight years has given to me for my Christmas present this year and its very confusing to use I am not going to lie. To be honest, writing on paper with a very specific pen to use, other wise I would not even bother to write is a change and is mentally tricky…
Anyways I am getting drifted from the topic, as usual.
Starting fresh…I do not really know Why I would think about using this as my every first topic. but everything I used to do, like for example.
Let guilt build and become a newly image of what I really am. Or do things that bettered others and did not put a positive impact on my very own well being. I was robbing myself from any sort of growth by being too much of caring, loving as if I even fucking knew that even possible to do….how can you possibly over love, well damn…
I learned a lot along the way of life, being young does not necessarily mean I am completely dumb in this world, it all comes down to your knowledge of how you present events, things in your life right
Starting fresh because I felt like I forgave too easily, the same results, the same atmosphere, the same pain as well. Hence why I am even writing this in the first place, its a first for many reasons.
- I would have not been this in-tuned with my writing, or even bothering to take it serious to begin with, being too focused on motherhood, trying to fix my wrongs in my only relationship that I wouldn’t want to fail in a million years…working a new job, focusing on absolutely everything and anything but what I truly wanted to do, even if it was simply to do nothing.
- I googled free writing apps and booom! I am writing again, and it does feel strange, from writing on paper. Gosh if only anyone that may reads this can see how much papers I go through when I am back into the groove of it. My all time best stress reliever, and sometimes I believe it is my personal therapist (myself) so with that I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS! Doing a office job that requires you to write on and off during the day, robs me from wanting to write.
- I feel mentally less bottled up as of right now, but by experience with an off and on relationship, feeling at ease, comes in flashes so I do smartly embrace myself for the days that will be unbearable, the cold and lonely days. So far its quite smooth sailing, but the urge to keep my intentions of being safe or whatever is also in the back of my mind. God I really hope that I can keep my shit together & be a great mom through this.
- And then there is the stresses that lurk in the pit of my stomach as I do sit here and type, of the unknown….more so the outcome of this separation. But I am not a coward with the expectations that I will have to face anymore. I am sitting here looking at my writing, fuck I feel great about even this. That counts! It is indeed a fresh start. I can feel it
- As of today the mindset of Starting fresh begins now @ 9:39 pm and I gracefully put out those vibes into the universe for myself, things will change and I may or may not like them from time to time, but wouldn’t it being so boring to have things go your way, exactly the way you want them, it’s naturally in us as humans to want to be intrigued, to not know what tomorrow will bring us. I think I am ready, whew I am kinda nervous with how bold I am writing as if my lady balls can take anything at my state.
With that I am currently done with this topic for today, hopefully I can come up with more topics to write for myself and better my writing as I become more actively a online writer, I get this weird sense of doubt with my writing that it would not stand out or maybe that I would not make it understandable for others, clearly am a journal only type of writer. Makes total sense, well with that being said, thanks for my Ted talk.
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