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This is a journal entry I wrote and wanted to share in case others might relate:
I feel… stuck.
I’m feeling like… Like I was sooo close to actually being in a place where I loved myself, my life, etc. at the end of 2019/2020, and then… it all fell apart.
And it’s not about rebuilding. It doesn’t feel like something to rebuild.
It feels like I broke something, and I can never get back to where I was. I can never get to the other side.
I have this feeling that I’m looking into a life I could have lived, or could live, that is just on the other side of this two sided mirror or piece of glass in front of me. I can see it clearly, but something is stopping me from getting there.
Am I stopping myself?
Feelings of shame, of having been a bad person, said bad things to my ex, girls I’ve dated, causing me to feel broken, to feel undeserving of this world on the other side. To feel happy, to feel a part of the world, like I have the right to say what I have to say, to speak my mind, to belong.
That if only I hadn’t said the things I’ve said, or done the things I’ve done, I could be normal, I could be with everyone else on the other side of that glass… But maybe… everyone feels this way?
Maybe everyone feels like an outsider, like they don’t belong, like they’re hiding their true selves from the world.
The thing is, I’ve felt this way about myself before, but in 2019/2020 I didn’t feel that way, at least from what I can remember. I felt healthy, I felt normal, I felt like I had a right to the seat at the table.
From all the self help books I’ve read, I know what they would say about my mindset right now. They would say: “This is a limiting belief that is setting you back. Those false limitations are self imposed and are preventing you from living that life you desire and have a right to. It’s your own self perceptions that are setting you back. You must take control of this and set it right, if you want to live this life on the other side of the glass.”
Baby steps.
First, I need to visualize this concept of the open field of grass and freedom, love and acceptance on the other side of this window pane. I need to clarify what it looks and feels like, and feel like I belong there.
Then, I need to tear down this wall. I need to shatter this glass that is holding me back from getting to this place.
And to be clear it’s not a place with different objects, material possessions, etc. It’s a perception. A shift in how I feel about myself and my life, where I am mentally, spiritually. I want life to flow, and that’s where it flows. And all the good things come from there. It’s a place in the mind, body and soul. And it’s right on the other side of that glass.
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