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Another part of the process:
I keep being “told” to open up, be vulnerable, and share who I really am. But vulnerability is not something I live well with outside of my personal (offline, real-world) life if at all. However, in my effort to grow and treat all of my edges, here goes nothing! (Also, insert side tangent on language limitations, we have a way better saying for this specific case in Hebrew that loosely translates to “for life or death”, I feel like it sounds much more dramatic and exaggerated in English 🤷♀️).
Layoffs are far from easy, that’s a given anyone can tell you even if not going through one. It’s a sucker punch even when you can kind of see it coming. It throws your life into a blunder, talking to strangers, faking brave smiles, receiving rejections from places you really liked and were going into final rounds with, the ghosting… Not knowing when this all will end, how to plan ahead when every ball you have is in the air but all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. It is crushing.
As a new parent and one that had made the switch to being the breadwinner of the house, no one prepares you for the crushing stress. Well, just like no one can really prep you for what it means being a parent, or really anything else that you roll or are born into in life. That combination though… realizing that my one-year-old senses my slight tremble behind the brave happy face, just as my mother read it on my face through my “light happy update” in a call across the ocean. I needed to constantly remind myself that I was not failing anyone. The only thing that’s on me is taking advantage of this opportunity. Now was the best time for me, personally too, because I am going through deliberate change.
There were a lot more layoffs during this week, and ongoing. We skipped celebrating Rosh Hashana this year even though we made it a point to celebrate both our traditional holidays. I am slightly disappointed in myself for that decision but it was a few days after being laid off. I was laid off a day before my son’s 1st birthday and could not imagine another celebration. Fear and stress were really powerful and fresh then. I kept contemplating and really going within to figure out my professional life strategy. It made me remember this was actually my 3rd round of being laid off right before the holiday season. The last time I was all alone here, climbing out of a real dark lowest of points. My apartment lease was up that November and I made the call to not renew it, not knowing how to continue paying for it.
I became homeless.
ME. I’d never thought I’d utter these words. Not then, nor now. I came from an educated family who pushed my “gifted” labels with lots of love and practical support. I felt like I had it in my hands. All the prospects in the world! Still, 4 years into the “coming to America” journey, I got to the pit of pits. I was homeless (with a ton and a half on my back as baggage from that year). On the other side of the world from everything and everyone I know. A foreigner in the land of cold foreigners. My savings drained on this year of hell I just went through. I was overwhelmed, terrified, and stuck, and that’s not even all (but for now this is vulnerable enough). A new friend I just met a few months earlier offered a basement so I can get back on my feet (that took courage on both our parts). I had to temporarily rehome the beloved cat I brought here with me. But when you reach the depths of the pit, you have nothing to lose. It changes you. Then I met my partner.
This guy met me whilst unemployed, with no actual address to my name, a crushed immigrant nobody, fresh out of a divorce with big dreams and nothing at hand. I kept telling him “NEVER AGAIN”. He smiled and listened to find out how he could support me. It took a couple of months longer and I found a job with some really wonderful people. We went back to Israel for my sister’s wedding (mind you we were together for hardly 3 months at that point). So we moved in together and sat down and I said, “listen, this was a low I never anticipated, but now is a good time to heal and so here are my plans for the next YEAR: I am getting a dog. I am doing a full stack coding Bootcamp. I am buying a house far from the city. Are you in for the ride?”
It all sounded very insane, but he was in for it. And boy, does this man stand behind his words. So did I. We got the most precious rescue little fart (Pook in Hebrew 💨), she’s the best hiking buddy and now nursery dog. A few months later I bought our house. Our amazing little haven is a Disney-like sanctuary fairytale because I refuse with all my might to fall this hard again. I became a citizen and finished the Bootcamp that year as well. We are celebrating 4 years together this month.
So Why am I telling you all this? This is mainly for all the searchers/laid-off/furloughed people out there (okay, and a personal reminder for me, for growth. Cheers) — Everything is temporary (however long it takes)! We fall hard in life and those are the times when we learn:
- I learned to focus on my goals, brush off the dust, straighten the creases, get up and re-think them.
- I learned that when you fall or are discarded of, it is a great opportunity to stop and think about where to aim higher. Not out of spite, but growth, just like a plant that has been cut will grow higher in another direction.
- I learned not only to invite challenge but to examine myself and my own blockers because –
- I learned that only out of personal growth do you really shine everywhere else.
- I learned to be okay with growing pains, getting here was not easy and I am even stronger and smarter today.
- I learned that every experience has something to teach us if we care to look for it. It’s not just the obvious ones.
I started a personal growth process at my last position where I finally dealt with my post-partum struggles and confronted my ignored ADHD head-on. They just pushed the FF button, and boy did I take the lessons, building up on my previous layoff experiences as well as the personal and professional ones. I now have the tools, self-understanding, knowledge, faith, and grit I need to keep climbing the personal ladder of my personal path.
That’s power right there.
I think vulnerability, however painful it may be, shines a bright light paving for empathy, kindness, and dare I say — love. My own path was very rough but I’m proud of it and it may be worth something to someone. I choose to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability.
So if you are going through the sometimes rough beating of life, know that it’s just a part of your path and not the whole. It does not define you. It could be a spiral where we go up and down back again. Life, as time, as humans; is complex, non-linear, and really beautiful even when it hurts. Take advantage of each step as an opportunity to redefine who and what you are, course-correct, and force that smile on if you need to. Freedom is scary but wildly enjoyable should you choose to unapologetically put yourself out there. Breathe. You got this.
Love and Light.
Okay I’m going to hide now, have a good weekend.
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