[ad_1]
Life is not a smooth road. One of the most common and relatable things in the human experience is feeling embarrassment and regret over seemingly small things. Mistakes are inevitable, and sometimes we feel like something we did in the past defines who we are. It is only through retrospect that we realize that these moments did not go as bad as our brain made it seem at the time.
Have you ever gone peacefully about your day, letting your mind wander while getting ready for school or work? You tie your shoes, when out of nowhere you are hit by the memory of an embarrassing event that happened months, years, or even decades ago. It seems so far away, and yet you cringe as if it happened five minutes ago. Maybe it was getting rejected by your middle school crush in front of a group of people, the silence that followed a bad joke you said at a party weeks ago, or that one time you bumped into a stranger, spilling food all over their clothes.
The brain has a way of making us feel like the things we do or say have a bigger effect on us than they actually do. It creates narratives that go against what is logical and most likely true. It makes us believe that those who witnessed our perceived worst moments still remember them as vividly as we do. In reality, most people are more forgiving than we think and understand the way we feel.
But sometimes, the things you remember go beyond embarrassment. Sometimes they are decisions you truly regret, mistakes that changed your life in big or small ways: Something you said to someone you love that you can’t take back. A mistake that cost you your job or relationship. A large investment of time and money that didn’t go the way you planned. It can be hard to not feel the weight of things that we did or did not do at the moment, especially analyzing them through hindsight.
Recognizing today that something we once did was wrong, means that back then we thought it was the correct thing to do. So then Why did we do it? Maybe we were in a distinct frame of mind, feeling stressed, angry, or overwhelmed. Our value system was different. We did not face the situations that shaped us into the people we are today.
Recognizing that something we did was a mistake, means that we learned from that lesson. It also means that it doesn’t matter how much it hurts at the moment, eventually the pain passes, and the wounds heal. There is actually an evolutionary purpose for the discomfort we feel whenever we are reminded of those moments. Sometimes emotional pain can feel as bad or worse than physical pain. It sends signals to the brain letting it know that whatever happened should be avoided in the future for the sake of our well-being.
Our brains are biologically wired to detect threats, and recognize signs of danger. These can manifest in different ways, and by the time human beings gained consciousness, these ancient defense mechanisms remained hidden, yet equally effective. Patterns can reemerge in negative ways by holding grudges and through implicit trauma that prevents growth. Often, the reasonable part of our brains enters into conflict with our emotional part. Despite the fact that we know that there is no use in still feeling pain over something that happened years ago, our emotional part tells us otherwise.
This annoying part of ourselves shows in ways we are all too familiar with. We are told by our minds that we are stupid, clumsy, or even unworthy of other people’s love, time, and energy. Depending on the personality, these narratives can have a shallow or deep impact on a person’s self-esteem. As well as affecting their ability to forgive and practice empathy with others. If a person doesn’t learn to manage these ideas, they can loop over again in their head, to the point where the rational part starts to believe them.
But there is something that this narrow part of our minds doesn’t understand. Everyone makes mistakes. The specific actions that led to that moment are the result of an extinct state of being that is no longer part of ourselves. Every day, we become an entirely different person with a new mindset and distinct priorities. Some of these key moments are often when a person changes, retreats and realizes that a fundamental part of their values needs to be altered. This regularly comes hand in hand with learning a new skill, such as forgiveness or introspection.
Why do people change their minds? As we gain more experience in life, stumble, and understand new things, we transform our values. Our priorities shift in ways that we do not see until months, or even years in retrospect. Change is inherently good, as long as it is channeled in a constructive way. Mistakes can be amended; forgiveness can be obtained. And sometimes, it is better to let go of things for the better good. The pain that we feel as we look back at our past selves serves as a reminder that the journey left will not be a smooth one. The wrongs inflicted upon us, and the destructive relationships we hold on to for so long become important lessons as we mature.
It doesn’t matter how prepared we feel to face life’s challenges, or how emotionally resilient we are, we will keep making choices that were not the right ones in retrospect. However, as we grow and mature into better people, these become better mistakes.
How is it possible to make better mistakes? Well, things can be put into perspective. As one’s life experience broadens, the standard of living they adopt increases. When we start out in life, we want everything in the moment. We imagine goals and scenarios we want to obtain immediately. We center the world around ourselves, and relationships feel like a game where other people’s emotions are not a priority.
We rush into this exciting world, diving into a playground that we don’t understand. But everything feels great, so that doesn’t matter. Getting lost in things such as relationships, alcohol, sex, and independence can become too much for some people. And in retrospect, many of our worst mistakes involve some of these new and exciting experiences. This explosive and rapidly fluctuating state leads to unstable situations that produce most of our lowest moments. Things we face with overconfidence due to our insecurities, or to prove something to ourselves or other people.
However, sooner or later comes a point where ideas start to fit into place. The absurdity of life becomes more sensible as you understand the psychology behind human behavior. However, you will still make mistakes. Better mistakes, yet still mistakes. The idea that life forces us into a school of learning to fail better through trial and error sounds pessimistic. However, there is beauty in knowing that you grow as a person each time this happens. At the same time, you become more capable of guiding others when they face obstacles you have already overcome.
If you are in a romantic relationship, your arguments with your partner will become more constructive, instead of toxic. Instead of having fights that only build resentment, you can have discussions where both listen to each other and view things from a new perspective. Every fight or discussion could be considered an improvement over the last, and every difficult conversation is like a brick that forms the base of a stable companionship with those who we love. The idea is to accept them as they are, knowing that other people can’t be fundamentally changed, and that the mistakes they make are not something to take personally.
Many people realize that sooner or later. It doesn’t matter how prepared we feel to face life’s challenges, how determined we are, or how emotionally resilient we consider ourselves; we are fallible. There are days where we think we had it all figured out and every risk covered, until we face a roadblock we never expected. These obstacles are usually faced in ways we later come to regret, conveniently finding the right answers once it is too late.
The key to maintaining balance in this strange state of being is to know that the bedrock of your own maturity and self-worth improves with each year. Consider this mental exercise: imagine a recent situation you regret and have been beating yourself over all the “would’ve”s and “should’ve”s. Now think of two questions: one, If I found myself in this same situation one or two years ago, compared to today, what lesson would I have taken away from this? And two, how deeply would have this affected me emotionally? The answers will surprise you.
So yes, you will continue to make mistakes. They will range from small things everyone will eventually forget about within minutes, to heavy situations that will make you question the personal values that you think you knew were true. But the emotional maturity and resilience will reflect themselves in better decisions, improved understanding of yourself and others, and the result of the lessons that shaped you. And I can assure you, that the people who love you understand why you went through those moments. They will forgive you, and you can do the same.
[ad_2]
Source link