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Lately I was organizing all my documents and notes on my iPad since I bought it in 2019. I used it for school and later for work. But sometimes I also wrote personal reflections and sketched out ideas on topics that interested me at the moment, so yes they were like journals, if you consider a once-in-5-month-writing-about-your-own-thoughts journaling.
Writing has been a form of personal development, and I always have a love-hate relationship with it. My writing can be interesting, insightful and profound, but it can also be ill-structured in poor grammar without a thesis. These are all real comments that I received from my teachers from grade school to college and from my friends to colleagues and boss. I think it is fair to say that my writing lacks consistency; its quality very much depends on the topics and on my mood. However, I do believe that my writing reflects who I am as a person and as a creator.
It is hard to hide your true self in your own writing or any form of expression. I tried to do that, as a teenager, because for some reasons I didn’t feel easy revealing my true feelings even when I talk with close friends. I have few problem doing that now, but back then, it didn’t feel safe and right to tell what I truly think of something or someone to others. That sounds more genuine that it needed to be, because not once did I not enjoy gossip. Besides, I laugh and cry at others’ jokes and mishaps easily, but I wouldn’t think of myself as an effusive or genuine opinion-giver. I say things to satisfy my listeners. Overtime, it is hard to know your true feelings. It is okay at first as long as you discover this quality about yourself later on and decide to flip it away. And you kinda have to… We, as human beings, enjoy spending time with loved ones and engaging in meaningful relationships. So overtime, when we meet these people in our lives, we can’t help but revealing our true thoughts and feelings to them. I think it is a natural thing to do because you want to harvest the true feelings from your significant ones in reciprocity. Real friends bring the real you out- at least that was what happened to me in the past six or seven years (that was from my late teens to early twenties). Thus, speaking as a form of self expression as writing unveils who you are as a person.
When I read something I wrote several years ago, a definite cringe is bound to occur. I feel mortified when I see my younger self write a very personal and immature thought out loud, even though the meaning of it might no longer hold true or any value. Then, it also feels intimate, like talking with an acquaintance and nodding along her story. Last but not least, I make peace with it and even start to appreciate the past sensitive self, whether it was expressing negativity like hatred, remorse, guilt, complaint, or melancholy if it had to be. The person I am now connects with the past self through my own words, stamped by the passage of time. I tend to say that I’m a forward-looking person, but it never hurts to be reminded of where I come from and how far I have gone.
Writing is completion. Whether it is a proposal, a note, a reminder, or an invitation, it transcribes ideas and sounds into text. When something is written, it cements the status quo and alludes to the next step. It is something that we can always refer back to trace the train of thoughts and understand the context for further actions. There is an urge to write something down when we finish a journey, for reflecting and memorizing. We also tend to write to kick off a new beginning, like making a travel plan or setting goals during the New Year. Social scientists have used writing as a prime before participants react in an experiment. What they have written prior to the experiment typically set their mind in a certain way comparing to not. Writing certain qualities about the participants themselves can affirm or contradict their own identities, leading them to act in conformity or in contradiction in the experiment. For example, masculinity can be reassured if male participants write about themselves being a man. Even though it could be a reiteration of the mere fact, writing it down makes it real and sometimes makes it true.
In conclusion, this is me acknowledging personal development through writing, as a means and an end. Graciously, I think writing also empowers me as a creator, or a creator-wannabe, because this is ultimately an outlet and a form of self-fulfillment in the most basic way.
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